It has come to my attention that you are once again approaching something called Tax Day. From what I can gather, this is an annual ritual in which you voluntarily review all the money you made, panic about where it went, and then send a portion of it to a mysterious organization known as the Internal Revenue Service.
As a cat, I have several questions and also some (unsolicited) advice. First, why would anyone keep track of how many mice they caught during the year only to give some of them away? This seems like a flawed hunting strategy.
Second, why does everyone wait until the very last minute to do this? Humans have had an entire year to prepare. If I waited a whole year to address something important, like knocking a glass off the counter, I would be considered a very irresponsible cat.
At the Orlando Cat Café, I’ve been observing this behavior closely. Humans arrive with laptops, spreadsheets, and expressions that suggest they’ve just discovered the vacuum cleaner is still in the closet.
Allow me to offer some professional guidance, which, in the spirit of this column, I am referring to as “deductions”. Get it? Deductions…
Deduction #1: Cat Therapy
Many of you spend hours stressing about forms, numbers, and whether you can deduct your home office chair. Meanwhile, a proven strategy exists! Spend time petting cats!
If the tax code were written by felines (which it should be), there would clearly be a line item called “Emotional Support Cat Time.” Frankly, this is preventative medicine. Lower stress levels lead to better decision-making, which probably means fewer questionable deductions involving “business-related snack purchases.”
Deduction #2: Paperwork Management
Another observation: humans are overwhelmed by paper.
You should hire more cats.
We specialize in document redistribution. Drop a stack of papers on the table and we will immediately scatter them across the floor. This creates the illusion that work is happening and allows you to blame us if something important disappears under the couch.
This is what professionals call delegation!
Deduction #3: Strategic Napping
During tax season, humans drink large quantities of coffee and stay up late.
This is unnecessary. Cats have perfected a system known as Strategic Napping. Work for five minutes, sleep for two hours, wake up, stare judgmentally into the distance, repeat. Productivity improves dramatically when expectations are lowered. Trust me on this one.
Final Thoughts on Fiscal Responsibility
In conclusion, I have reviewed the entire tax system and determined the following:
- Humans worry too much!
- Spreadsheets are inferior to macarons.
- The correct way to celebrate finishing your taxes is by visiting The Orlando Cat Cafe and petting cats (and kittens too).
If you follow this advice, I cannot guarantee a larger refund, but I can guarantee a lower stress level as well as a fair amount of cat hair on your paperwork, which adds character to any filing.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have important financial planning to attend to. Specifically, pushing a pen off the counter.
Happy Tax Day, humans.
— Jean Luc 🐾
Official Mascot and Unpaid Financial Advisor for Orlando Cat Café
