With Spider-Man: No Way Home breaking all sorts of box office records, it got me thinking – if a movie franchise can be built upon the idea of a guy (Peter Parker) getting bit by a genetically altered spider who then gains super-powers, wouldn’t the next logical blockbuster movie be about a person who sleeps next to his cat, inhales a bunch of fur and dander, and then gains feline characteristics? I know, right?
And so, my project for 2022 will be to write the screenplay for Purr-Person: Feline Fine. Purr-Person will, of course, star me as the cat whose fur is inhaled. I have several ideas for male leads including George Clooney (he probably needs a break from those twins), Benicio del Toro, Javier Bardin or Ryan Reynolds (experience with action movies). They all seem like fun guys to work with it.
Purr-Person will not have any super-powers “purr” se, but the protagonist will be equipped with cat-like powers including the following abilities:
- Coming When Called – Purr-Person will have exceptional hearing. A cats’ sense of hearing is remarkably superior to that of mere humans. This means that, like a cat, Purr-Person will be able hear sounds that people can’t hear on both ends of the spectrum, particularly the higher end. Like a mouse. Or a can opener. Or that “pop” that the can makes when you open it. So – Purr-person will be able to hear called BUT he will choose NOT to come.
- Vomiting – while all humans can vomit, only Purr-Person can vomit up a perfectly formed hairball after 14.3 minutes of dry-heaving and deposit that hairball on a brand-new sofa, chair or other priceless heirloom. Not only that but Purr-Person will be able to, in a sea of hardwood, deposit that hairball on the one piece of carpeting in a 4,000 sq. foot area. Skill!
- Sleeping – Purr-Person will have the ability to scrunch himself up into the tiniest of boxes to the point where it looks like he will swallow his own tail! He won’t necessarily do anything after that, but people will want to take pictures and post them online.
- Litterboxing – Purr-Person will have the ability to dig and dig and dig and dig and dig in the litterbox to the point where he might dig his way all the way to China! And then once done with his “business” he will have the ability to track a bunch of litter all over the place which can be used to slow down his opponents!
In the first Spider-Man movie Peter Parker tries to use his superpowers to win money in a wrestling competition only to be stiffed by the fight coordinator when it comes time to collect his winnings. When the fight coordinator gets robbed, Peter chooses not to stop the assailant – even though he could have. Later in the movie, Peter’s Uncle Ben does try to stop the robbery, but gets shot and killed and Peter learns the lesson “with great power comes great responsibility.” Only then does he assume the mantle and title of the superhero Spider-Man. Too much violence for my tastes.
In Purr-Person: Feline Fine, our protagonist will be able to actually wrestle (I love to wrestle!) and when it comes time to collect our prize (which will naturally be canned food) he will be able to open the can himself because he will be equipped with opposable-thumbs (something that cats wish they had!). It’s really like this movie is writing itself!
I imagine the bidding war for the rights will be intense but ultimately it will be Lionsgate that wins because…well you know…See you at the movies in 2022!